TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have An additional place where American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: give everyone a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Area, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the creating's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where company may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is currently attracting interest from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has Trump Tower Damascus gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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